I will have you know...

The first house BC and I bought was a duplex. We rented out the top apartment to pay the mortgage and we lived in lower unit. Our tenant was a 40-ish flight attendant for Braniff Airlines named Regina W. We usually called her Reg. Reg liked to drink…a lot. Back in those days' airlines were great places to work and Braniff often paid for Reg’s drying out leaves of absence.

Reg and her current flavor of the month boyfriend would have drinks on the patio with us during the warm months. Unlike so many drunks Reg never got sloppy, loud, or rude while on the sauce. Quite the opposite, Reg became a regal Grand Duchess in speech and demeanor. She might be shit faced but by God she was a lady. We loved her and howled at the haughty transformation. When she was drunk we called her Re-geye-na as in Victoria Regina and we were her trusty court jesters.

One summer Saturday BC and I were outside doing yard work. I happened to glance up at Reg’s apartment and noticed smoke drifting out from her open bedroom window. We raced up the back stairs to the balcony and pounded on the door and windows. No response. I kept screaming her name while BC went to our apartment to call the fire department. They arrived in minutes. We used our spare keys to let them inside. Through the smoky haze in the living room I could see empty liquor bottles and scattered glasses. Reg was not at home but had obviously been on another binge.

The firemen hauled a smoldering mattress out from the bedroom. Luckily that was the only real damage. We gathered in the front yard while the firemen doused the mattress with water. A crowd of neighbors had formed to watch. Before long the crowd parted as Reg and her BF staggered their way through. They had gotten hungry and had gone for a boozy lunch. Reg regally eyed the soggy charred mattress and then spoke.

Reg: What ever happened?

Me: Ugh, it looks to me like there was a fire.

Reg (arching one eye brow): Sarcasm is seldom amusing.

Me: Sorry.

Reg: You should be more careful.

Me (sputtering): Me?.. Me?.. Reg, this is your mattress!

Fireman: Lady, didn’t anyone ever warn you about smoking in bed? It’s dangerous. You could have killed yourself. Never get into bed with a lit cigarette!

Re-geye-na’s back stiffened and she drew herself up a full 2 inches taller. I swear I thought I saw her sprout a tiara. She squared her shoulders and spoke in imperious clipped and measured tones. "Young man, I will have you know...that bed...was on fire when I got in it!"

To this day when ever I am caught in an embarrassing situation I repeat that mantra…”that bed was on fire when I got in it.”